Part 1: False Belief — The Day Homework Broke Me

When we talk about ADHD, shame doesn’t usually come up first.It’s always dopamine this, hyperactivity that, “you just need to focus more.”And yeah, those things are real problems.

But I’d argue this:

Even if you found a way to fix every symptom of ADHD...You’d still be stuck if you never deal with the shame.

Because shame doesn’t just make you feel bad. It shapes you. It rewires your story.And worse? It hides itself behind other problems so you never realize it’s been steering the wheel.

Shame Is the Enemy of Self-Awareness

Here’s where it really kicks your ass: shame and self-awareness can’t live in the same space.

If you want to grow, if you want to see yourself clearly — you have to set your ego down.

But when shame is in your system, your ego inflates like a defense mechanism.You start building walls, rationalizing, making excuses — anything to protect yourself from that sick feeling of “I’m not good enough.”

That’s why so many people with ADHD struggle to really see their patterns.It’s not that we’re blind — it’s that shame keeps our eyes shut.

Where It All Started (My Story)

Let me tell you how it started for me. Maybe you’ll see yourself in this.

In 6th grade, I started my junior high years. And for some reason, that’s when my parents began really pressuring me about getting good grades.

Now I know that seems pretty normal.But it wasn’t always like that.They hadn’t really pushed me about school in elementary. I always did pretty well, and they didn’t have much reason to worry.

So why the sudden shift?

Looking back, I figured out they really just wanted to make sure I went to college — and getting me to strive for good grades early was their strategy.

And you know what? That’s fine.I can’t really blame them for that.

But the path it sent me down caused a lot of self-destruction.

Back then, ADHD wasn’t really well understood or diagnosed unless it was extreme.You only heard about it if a kid had serious behavioral problems. So nobody thought a kid like me — who was mostly well-behaved — could possibly have it.

We didn’t know it existed on a spectrum.

I just knew that this new thing called homework sucked and I didn’t want anything to do with it.Getting me to sit down and do homework was a lost battle before it was even fought.

Shame Took Root Early

The next three years of junior high were a nightmare.

My parents started berating me over a C+ with comments like:

“You should be ashamed. You’re better than that.”“That’s what happens to people who don’t do their work.”

By 7th grade, they turned up the heat.They made it clear — if I didn’t bring home all A’s and B’s, there would be punishment.

Now, I was raised to take ownership of my failures.Don’t make excuses. Don’t blame others. Own it.

So I couldn’t really fault my parents — they were “right.”

I could do better.I wasn’t doing the work.So naturally, I blamed myself.

What we didn’t realize was that I wasn’t “choosing” not to do the work — I wasn’t able to, at least not without help.

But that understanding never came.

So I started asking myself:

“What’s wrong with me?”“Why am I so lazy?”“Why can’t I live up to my potential?”

And from there, shame became my constant companion.

The Voice That Replaces Everyone Else

By the time I got to high school, my parents let up a bit.But it didn’t matter anymore — because their voices had already been installed in my head.

I didn’t need them to tear me down anymore.I had taken over the job.

I carried a low B average in high school — mostly because I was good at testing.College was a two-and-a-half-year roller coaster of partying and dread until I finally quit.

Then I started my first business.

I was full of hope.This was something I actually cared about.I thought maybe this would finally be the thing that made me feel proud of myself.

But every time I hit a setback, every time things didn’t go as planned, my motivation disappeared.And the old voice came back.

“You’re not doing enough.”“You never follow through.”“You always screw it up.”

Shame Changes the Way You See Yourself

The reason I’m telling you this —isn’t to complain. It’s to show you how shame gets in deep.

Because when you keep putting in effort and things still don’t go right…You stop looking at the system and start blaming yourself.

And for people with ADHD, it creates a dangerous narrative.

It convinces you that you’re not just struggling —You’re broken.

And once that belief sets in, everything else — motivation, goals, self-respect, hope — it all gets harder.Not because you aren’t capable.

But because shame keeps whispering:“You’re never going to be enough.”

Part 2: Truth — It Was Never Just About Homework

The Domino Effect

It’s kind of funny, looking back now, how something as simple as not being able to do my homework ended up kicking off a lifelong pattern of shame.

It started like this:I couldn’t bring myself to do the work. It felt like torture.And because I didn’t do it, I didn’t get good results.So I felt bad about myself. I felt ashamed.And because of that shame… I avoided the work even more.

Sound familiar?

The homework is just a placeholder. It could be anything — returning a call, replying to an email, building your dream business. Anything that feels like an obligation or a trap — the kind of thing ADHD brains immediately want to escape from.

We don’t move toward obligation. We move toward interest.We need that hit of dopamine to engage.

Without it, a domino effect kicks in:

You don’t get anything done.
You feel like a failure.
Shame hits you in the gut.
Motivation disappears.
And you’re right back at the beginning, doing nothing again.

That’s when you bail. You give up and move on to something new — something more interesting, something “hopeful.”

But every time you do this, you’re adding to the pool of shame you’ve been collecting your whole life.

It piles up. It grows. And you don’t even realize it’s slowly dragging you further away from everything you want.

How Shame Grows

There are all kinds of shame. Some of it is rooted in major trauma or abuse. That’s the heavy stuff, and it leaves deep scars.

But shame also grows in smaller, quieter ways. Especially for people with ADHD.

See, when you're a kid with ADHD, you usually need a lot of correction. You get redirected, bickered at, scolded, and reminded constantly just to stay on track. It’s not always abuse. Sometimes it's just what had to happen to keep us functioning.

Let’s be honest — if someone hadn’t been redirecting me, I might’ve ended up totally feral. ADHD filters out discipline and floods the brain with a drive for pleasure. Without some pressure or consequences, I might’ve never learned a thing.

So in a weird way, some shame might’ve actually kept me alive and on course.

But here’s where it turns:Eventually the correction becomes habit for the adult.The constant push to “do better” becomes the default setting.And the love and encouragement? That part gets lost in the noise.

At some point, the ADHD kid starts to internalize it.

“I’m not good enough.”“I’ll never get this right.”“There’s something wrong with me.”

And that seed of shame gets planted deep — out of sight, where you don’t even know it’s growing.

Where Shame Really Comes From

For me, it took a long time to connect the dots.

I spent years thinking I just didn’t believe in myself…That I wasn’t living up to my potential…That I was lazy…That I had some weird fear of success…That I was just too anxious or wound up all the time…

But the more I started to reflect, the more I saw it:

All of that crap came from the same place.

Shame.

Every roadblock I’ve ever hit — every reason I’ve wanted to give up, every moment I felt worthless or stuck or unmotivated — there was always shame underneath it.

It’s the thread that ties everything together.

And because of that, I started to realize something big:

If shame is the root, then that’s what needs fixing.Not productivity. Not discipline. Not time management.Shame.

It’s All Connected

If I could snap my fingers and take your shame away right now —Make it disappear, gone like it never existed…

All of the junk that comes with it —The guilt, the self-doubt, the fear, the paralysis, the internal beatdowns…

That stuff goes with it.

And without all of that emotional weight pressing down on you?You just might have an easier time focusing.You might even get stuff done.You might finally feel like trying again.

Because work doesn’t feel as heavy when you don’t feel like shit.

Part 3: Lightbulb Moment — Shame Isn’t You, It Just Happened to You

Shame Was Never Meant to Define You

Let’s connect some dots.

In the last chapter, we talked about how much of our identity is built from random events. Things that just happened — maybe once, maybe twice — but left a mark deep enough to shape the way we see ourselves.

Well… shame works the same way.

It feels like it’s part of who you are. Like it’s embedded in your character.But in truth?

Shame is just another artifact of circumstance.

Sure, ADHD increases the chances of you being scolded, misunderstood, or made to feel “less than.”But those moments — the exact comments, the specific punishments, the emotional tone behind them — they’re still random.

They could have just as easily gone another way.You could have had different teachers. Different parents. Different emotional reactions from the people around you.

And if they had been different?

You wouldn’t be carrying the same shame today.

What If They Saw You for Who You Really Were?

I think about this a lot.

What if my parents hadn’t cared so much about my grades?What if they saw my intelligence outside the narrow lens of school?What if they valued my creativity, my insight, my curiosity — instead of test scores and deadlines?

Would I still have this voice in my head…The one that tells me I’m lazy for taking a day off?The one that guilts me over every hour I don’t spend being “productive”?

Probably not.

And look — I’m not saying this so I can sit around blaming other people.I know I have to accept my past. It happened.

But understanding how random it was?That changed everything for me.

Circumstance Doesn’t Get to Control You

Here’s what this realization gave me:

If shame was created by circumstance...Then I don’t have to treat it like truth.

I don’t have to carry it like a permanent scar.I don’t have to give it so much power.

Because now?Now I have my observer.And when shame shows up, I can look it in the eye and say:

“You have no power here. You were born from randomness. You could’ve just as easily never existed.”

That’s not some affirmation.That’s reality.

And when I wrap shame in reality like that, I see it for what it is:

Just a feeling.Just a memory.Just noise.

Not truth.Not identity.Not me.

You’re the One Giving Shame Power — and You’re the One Who Can Take It Away

This is the part no one tells you.

Shame only exists because you keep feeding it.You keep honoring it.You keep obeying it.

But when you stop?

When you look shame in the face and say, “You’re not real. Go away.” —That’s when everything shifts.

You stop chasing validation.You stop measuring your worth by outcomes.You stop giving your past the right to dictate your future.

And you start choosing who you want to be.

Redefining Self-Worth

We’ve been taught that our worth is tied to what we accomplish.The jobs. The money. The body. The house. The hustle.

But none of that matters if it’s all driven by shame.

I’ll tell you what I believe:

Self-worth isn’t built on success.It’s built on effort. On intention. On honesty.

If I had to choose between:

A millionaire with a bloated ego and no emotional depth
Or a guy living in a trailer, reading self-help books and journaling every day, just trying to be a better human…

I’ll take trailer guy every time.

That’s someone real.That’s someone I want to know.That’s someone who makes me better just by existing.

You see, self-worth isn’t about what you’ve accomplished, or how much money you have. You have to start seeing it as simply what kind of person you are. Are you the best version of yourself you can be in this moment? And also, are you trying to be better every day?

When you can say yes to both of these things, then the balance in your bank account doesn’t matter. You can forgive yourself for the bullshit failures your shame makes you feel. Being a good person is the pinnacle of accomplishment and once you believe this, your success will be just a byproduct of the amazing person you’ve become.

Here’s the Truth You’ve Been Waiting For

You’re not broken.You’re not lazy.You’re not unworthy.

You’re just carrying around someone else’s words — someone else’s reactions to your behavior — and mistaking them for the truth.

Let them go.Let shame go.You don’t need it anymore.

And now, finally, you can start building a life based on who you really are.

Not who shame told you to be.

Problem: How ADHD Plants the Seeds of Shame