Part 1: False Belief — “Presence Only Comes After You’ve Earned It”

Let’s go back to what we talked about in the last lesson: Presence is the real thing we’re after. Not success. Not productivity. Not wealth or admiration. Presence. That feeling of being fully here, fully alive, with no need to escape this moment. We think we’re chasing goals, but really we’re chasing the experience of feeling present once we reach them.

It’s kind of wild how we miss that. But it makes sense, too. Presence doesn’t always feel accessible. You can’t just flip a switch and be like, “Okay brain, be fully calm and joyful now.”

Most of the time, presence feels like something that happens to us—like a rare emotional state we stumble into.

Graduation day.
Crossing the finish line.
Sitting on a beach you saved five years to visit.

It always seems to require a catalyst—some kind of big achievement or well-earned reward. So naturally, we internalize this idea:

“If I want to feel present, I need to work hard and earn it first.”

But that belief is what traps us. Because for ADHDers, chasing down those “catalyst moments” is rarely sustainable. We don’t have the dopamine stability to grind for months or years just to get a few fleeting minutes of presence. And even when we do reach those moments, they don’t last. The brain goes right back into panic mode about what’s next.

So we end up living backwards. Delaying peace. Postponing joy. Chasing presence like it’s a prize at the bottom of a cereal box. But what if that whole model is wrong?

What if presence doesn’t have to be earned?

What if there are other catalysts—accessible ones—that let you feel it now, before you’ve done anything extraordinary?

And here’s the ironic part: once you start experiencing presence now—before the goal, before the win—you stop obsessing over the outcome.

You still want the dream. You still hope for good things. But they’re no longer the only path to happiness. The urgency fades. The pressure disappears. And the wildest part?

They start showing up anyway.

Not because you chased them harder—but because you finally got out of your own way. You weren’t gripping the steering wheel anymore. You weren’t trying to force it. And when those things do arrive, they feel like bonuses, not salvation.

Presence isn’t the reward for getting your life together.It’s the mindset that lets your life come together.

Part 2: Truth — You’ve Been Doing It Backwards

I can’t stress this enough:You’ve got to stop trying to earn presence as a reward and start using it as your foundation.

Everything we’ve been taught—especially with ADHD—has us wired to think the opposite. That presence is some magical state that happens after you finally get your shit together. Once you're successful. Once you’ve cleaned the kitchen. Once you’ve finished the project. Once you’re not drowning in shame.

But that’s backwards.

Trying to chase presence through accomplishment is like trying to chase down stillness by running harder.

You don’t arrive at presence by grinding. You arrive there by shifting your focus to what matters now—and letting that be enough.

Schwarzenegger Had It Right

I remember hearing Arnold Schwarzenegger once talk about how much he enjoyed the feeling of soreness after a workout. Most people hate that feeling. It’s uncomfortable, it lingers, it slows you down. But to him, it was proof. It meant he was growing.

He didn’t wait until he saw his reflection in the mirror to feel proud. He allowed himself to feel it while he was in the middle of the process.

That’s what we need to do. Not just in the gym—but in life.

Because if you don’t feel good about the effort you’re putting in right now, then the only thing pushing you forward is shame. And shame can’t sustain you. It will make you crash.

So what would it look like to live like Arnold did—finding presence in the middle of the mess?

Rory and the Mental Game

This lesson hit me again through a golfer named Rory McIlroy. He’s one of the most talented golfers in the world, but what sets him apart is how open he is about the mental side of the game. He’s not just chasing trophies—he’s chasing peace of mind.

He works with a sports psychologist named Dr. Bob Rotella who had this killer line:

“If you have to be the winner in order to feel like a winner, this game will really do a number on you.”

Let that sink in. Because the same thing applies to life.

If you can only feel good about yourself when you’re winning—when you’re crushing it—life is going to absolutely beat the shit out of you. Because you’re not going to win every day. You’re going to have off days. Lazy days. ADHD days. So what then?

That’s what Rory’s been working on. He’s learning to chase a feeling instead of a score.He’s learning to feel proud even when he screws up. To feel confident even when things go sideways. Because his identity isn’t tied to whether or not he wins—it’s tied to how well he shows up in the moment.

You don’t need a trophy to feel like a winner.You just need to know you’re being the best version of yourself today.

You Are Already the Leading Edge

This idea might take time to fully settle in, but it’s crucial:You are already at the leading edge of who you are.

That doesn’t mean you’re perfect or finished—it just means this is the furthest you’ve ever come, right now. And the best version of you today is enough.

Not because it checks some box.

But because showing up, right now, with your whole heart—and letting that be enough—is how you train your brain to stop fighting itself.

You’re not here to be perfect.You’re here to be present.

And ironically, the more present you are now, the more naturally everything else begins to unfold.

You get out of your own way.You stop making every moment about “fixing” yourself.You stop trying to force a future that doesn’t exist yet.

And from that place?

The things you want still come to you—but now, they’re just bonuses.Not lifelines. Not the proof that you finally “made it.”Just little gifts that show up along the way.

And here’s where things get even more practical.Because the next step is to learn how to create presence—not just wait for it to randomly show up.

That’s where we introduce two of the most underrated (and misunderstood) tools you have:Gratitude and acceptance.

We’ll dive into that next. But for now, just sit with this:

You don’t have to earn presence.You start with it.And everything good that happens after that is just extra.

Lightbulb Moment: You Can Be Happy Now (No, Really)

Gratitude: Not the Cheesy Kind

I’ve heard just about every wannabe guru talk about gratitude and how “it’ll change your life.” And most of the time, let’s be honest—it sounds like recycled fluff. “Practice gratitude,” they say, as if saying “I’m grateful for my dog and coffee” every morning will magically fix your life. But here’s the thing: if you need to practice it to convince yourself it’s meaningful, then maybe it’s not doing what you think it’s doing.

That said... I actually am telling you that gratitude is important.

But not because it’s warm and fuzzy. I’m telling you it’s a practical tool—an emotional crowbar that pries open space in your brain when it’s jammed with dread, shame, and self-loathing. And what fills that space is the thing you’ve been missing all along: acceptance. And from there? Presence. That’s the chain reaction we’re after.

How It Works: Replace the Rotten with the Real

Here’s how it plays out. The next time you feel like shit about yourself—whether it’s guilt, dread, laziness, or that weird “I’m behind in life” pressure—pause. Don’t fight it. Don’t drown in it. Just shift.

Start naming things you’re grateful for. Not just the big, obvious stuff. Start small and personal.

Be grateful you’re kind.Be grateful your house is clean.Be grateful you graduated high school.Be grateful you have great taste in music.Hell, be grateful you have neat handwriting.

Now imagine not having those things. Picture someone who doesn’t—and how that would make their life harder. Maybe that sounds harsh, but it’s not about judgment. It’s about perspective. It's about realizing you’re not as lost or broken as you think you are.

And once you feel that shift—even just a little—you’ve just created room. And in that room, you can finally breathe. You can finally say, “Hey, maybe I’m not doing so bad.”

That’s when acceptance walks in.

Story Time: Starting Over at 40

Let me give you the clearest example I can. I spent years chasing money. Not chasing dreams. Not chasing passion. Just cold, hard cash. Because like most people, I believed money could buy a constant stream of dopamine and give me the ability to fund joy whenever I felt bored.

I didn’t care how I made it. MLMs, Amazon stores, flipping cars, real estate, custom painting, crypto—you name it, I tried it. And every year I didn’t “make it,” I felt more like a failure. The deeper I got into that mindset, the more worthless I felt.

Eventually, I lost it all. I had to start over at 40—with a wife and kids relying on me. The feeling of failure was crushing.

But here’s what I learned:

Feeling bad about yourself doesn't help.It doesn’t motivate. It paralyzes.It makes you hide.It makes you sabotage.It makes you stop believing anything is possible.

So I let go.

I accepted that I hadn’t “made it.” I stopped caring if I ever would. And I realized that this kind of acceptance wasn’t quitting. It was forgiving myself. It was surrendering the fake idea of who I “should’ve” been, and finally starting to appreciate who I actually was.

The Gym Example: Feeling Like a Winner Now

Here’s another example of how gratitude + acceptance = presence, and how it completely flips your experience.

I used to hate going to the gym. Not because of the workout—but because of the guilt. I felt like I should be doing something “more productive” toward my goals. I hated how long it seemed to take to see results. It just didn’t feel worth it.

But now? I love it. Not because I changed gyms or hired a trainer. I changed my mindset.

I let go of all the goals that used to make me feel like I was failing. I accepted that I don’t know where I’ll end up, and now I just show up. I put my music on, I move my body, and I feel good about it. Not because I look amazing. But because I’m doing what’s best for me right now. I leave knowing I did something good for myself today—and that’s enough.

I don’t chase results anymore. I let them show up when they show up.And when they do? Cool.If they don’t? I’m still proud.I’m still winning.

That’s presence.

You’re Already at the Top—You Just Don’t Know It

So here’s the mindset shift I want to leave you with:You are already at the top of who you are right now.

There’s no mountain to climb. There’s no gold star waiting at the finish line. You don’t need to see six-pack abs in the mirror or ten grand in your bank account to “feel like a winner.”

You’re a winner when you decide you are.You’re present when you stop looking over the horizon and look at what you’ve got right now.

You’ve already got things to be proud of.You’re already growing, even if it’s slow.And you have the power to feel good about yourself—today—just by accepting where you are, and choosing to keep going.

Solution: How To Stop Feeling Behind And Start Feeling Present