The Trap of Chasing Perfect Outcomes
Everybody hates losing. But for those of us with ADHD, it can feel like losing isn’t just something that happens now and then — it’s our entire lifestyle.
And I don’t just mean losing a bet, or your team blowing the playoffs again. I’m talking about that heavier feeling — that most of the things in your life never quite go the way you planned.
Sure, sometimes you catch all the green lights, or your coffee order comes out exactly how you like it. But when was the last time you really wanted something, put in honest effort, and had it play out the way you imagined?
It doesn’t happen very often.
That’s where the problem begins. Every time reality doesn’t match the picture in your head, you feel like you’ve lost. And the more it happens, the more your brain goes, “See? Nothing ever works out for me.”
You start keeping score without even realizing it.
“My car broke down.”
“The line at the bank was out the door.”
“They messed up my drive-thru order.”
“I didn’t even get ketchup packets for my fries.”
Before long, you’re building an entire case file against yourself: loserhood exhibit A, B, and C. And when the next thing goes wrong, you stamp it into the file: figures, knew it, unbelievable.
I’ve been there. I know how quickly the evidence piles up.
The false belief underneath all of this is sneaky but simple: we think expectations keep us on track. We set them because we believe they’ll push us forward, give us structure, and prove our worth once we meet them.
But in reality? Those expectations are what keep us locked into the loser loop.
“This is exactly the kind of trap I help you escape inside The ADHD Thrive Method — how expectations hijack ADHD brains and what to do instead. If this hits home, you’ll want to check it out
The Silent Parasite You Keep Feeding
Here’s the thing about expectations: they don’t just guide you — they hijack you.
They soak up all your attention and convince you that the only way to feel good about yourself is to see life go exactly as you imagined.
The deal sounds good on paper: “Put in the work, meet the expectations, and boom — you’ll be proud of yourself.”
But what’s the cost of that deal? Everything. Because the only way it works is if everything goes your way. Perfectly. All day, every day.
Spoiler: it won’t.
Life doesn’t play by your script. You might expect a smooth drive, but traffic has other ideas. You might expect the grocery store to have your favorite cereal, but the shelf’s empty. You might expect customer service to pick up on the first ring, but you get stuck in hold music purgatory.
Each little snag chips away at you.
ADHD brains are especially vulnerable here because we already carry around this itch of not being “enough.” Every unmet expectation doesn’t just feel inconvenient — it feels personal. Proof that you’re failing.
And so you keep inventory. You stack up the negatives. You look for the next snag before it even happens.
I used to spend 80–90% of my mental energy worrying about what would go wrong next. My life was basically an assembly line of expectations and disappointments. Wake up, obsess about what I had to do. Spend the rest of the day frustrated when it didn’t go as planned. Repeat.
BTW, I learned how to get off this assembly line of failure and I show you how to do it too in The ADHD Thrive method course if you want to check it out.
Here’s the truth: expectations are parasites. They promise control, but they just drain you. They feed on your attention and rob you of joy in the present.
Meanwhile, life keeps happening all around you — the good stuff included. The friend who invites you to lunch. The stranger who gives you a smile. The perfect cup of coffee. But you don’t even notice, because none of it matches what you were expecting.
You’re locked inside your expectation prison, serving time for a crime you didn’t even commit.
The Shortcut to Feeling Like You’re Winning Again
So how do you get out?
First, you start noticing. Pay attention to when your brain says, “figures, of course this happened.” That’s your cue. That’s the parasite talking.
Then — and this is the important part — you let the expectation go. Replace it with curiosity. Instead of “this has to go my way or else I’ve failed,” try “let’s see what happens.”
It sounds small, but that shift changes the emotional weight. Negatives become neutral. Positives become surprises. You start giving yourself a chance to feel good again.
That’s the first step. But here’s the deeper one: start building wins where you actually do have control.
This is where the “clean your room” idea comes in. Jordan Peterson made it famous, but it’s more than a metaphor — it’s a lifeline. When everything feels chaotic, the fastest way to rebuild your sense of self-worth is to focus on what you can control.
Small, guaranteed wins.
- Brush your teeth.
- Groom yourself neatly.
- Put on clean clothes.
- Tidy your space.
- Eat something that makes your body feel good.
None of these are glamorous. They won’t get you a trophy or a resume bullet point. But they will remind your brain that you’re capable. That you’re worthy. That you can do things for yourself that actually succeed.
That feeling matters more than you realize. Living in a clean space, taking care of your body, presenting yourself confidently — those aren’t trivial. They’re signals to your brain that you deserve better.
The military has known this forever. That’s why they obsess over neatly made beds, crisp uniforms, polished shoes. It’s not about the bed — it’s about the pride and momentum that comes from small, undeniable wins.
For ADHD brains, this is where the magic happens. When you start stacking these controllable wins, you don’t need expectations to prove your worth anymore. You already feel it in your bones.
And ironically? That’s when life starts meeting you halfway. Because when you’re no longer desperate for every outcome to go your way, you notice more of the good. You feel more confident. You show up differently.
The universe doesn’t suddenly start handing you victories — you just finally see them.
The Freedom of Not Caring How It Plays Out
The lie we fall for is that expectations will keep us on track. The truth is, they set us up to feel like losers no matter what happens.
The way out isn’t more strategy, more hacks, or more rigid goals. It’s noticing the parasite when it shows up, letting go, and putting your energy into the things you can control.
That’s how you rebuild dignity, self-respect, and purpose — not by waiting for outcomes to validate you, but by creating small, undeniable wins that remind you you’re already enough.
Because life will never line up exactly with your expectations. But you don’t need it to.
You’re not here to chase outcomes. You’re here to live — one small win, one clean space, one deep breath at a time.
Stop Letting Expectations Run Your Life
If you’re tired of feeling like a loser every time life doesn’t match your script, it’s time to break the cycle.
Inside The ADHD Thrive Method, I’ll show you how to let go of expectations that drain you — and begin moving forward in a way that makes you feel like your finally winning.
Click here to learn more and get started
