Why “Winning” Feels So Out of Reach
Somewhere along the way, most of us picked up this belief that a “win” only counts if it’s big — something impressive, something worth posting about, something that makes you feel like you finally did something with your life.
But honestly? That belief is wrecking us.
Especially if you’ve got ADHD.
Because the reality is, those “big” wins are rare. And if success only happens when we land one of those? Then we’re stuck in this endless loop of feeling behind. Like we’re never doing enough.
Like we’re always falling short of the thing that actually matters.
When was the last time you had one of those big milestone moments? Think about it. If it’s been a while — or if it feels like you’re always chasing something just out of reach — this might be why.
We’re defining the win wrong.
And the more unreachable we make it, the more miserable we feel for not getting there.
We don’t just set the bar high — we launch it into orbit. Then we beat ourselves up for not touching the stars. But who decided that’s what winning looks like? Who said it only counts if it’s all or nothing?
What if we lowered the bar — and still called it a win?
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The Urge to Just Get It Over With
When there’s something you need to do, or especially something you don’t want to do, the brain only cares about one thing: getting it done.
Not getting it done well. Not finding a good rhythm. Not making it manageable.
Just… done. Gone. Behind you.
That’s where the trouble starts.
That mindset kicks off a whole pattern we don’t even realize we’re falling into. We make the goal too big, too heavy, too unrealistic — all in the name of getting it over with.
It’s like when you’re starving and you load your plate with way too much food. You’re not thinking about pacing yourself. You’re just reacting to the discomfort.
Sometimes we do that out of excitement. A new idea sounds fun and we underestimate how long it’ll take. But honestly, more often, it’s avoidance.
The task sucks, so we want it gone. So we make this overly aggressive plan — “I’ll knock it out in one day” — and we feel good for about five minutes.
Then the dread creeps in.
A Real-Life Example (Because Of Course There Is One)
My daughter once had 14 assignments due over 10 days and asked for my help making a plan.
Her solution? Do three or four per day.
I loved her optimism — she has ADHD like I do — but I could see it happening in real-time: the trap.
That kind of plan feels logical when you just want to be done.
But it’s a setup.
She was going to wake up each day staring down a mountain, already overwhelmed, and start avoiding it. Then she’d end up up past midnight, stressed out and miserable, trying to catch up.
This is exactly the kind of trap I go deep into inside The ADHD Thrive Method.
Because we all do this. Over and over.
We try to escape the pain of the task by powering through it — but all we do is amplify the pain. We compress the timeline and turn the discomfort into panic.
And here’s the truth: we think we’re doing it to help ourselves.
But it never works. Because we’re still defining the win as being done.
And when the win only comes at the end — that’s when we lose.
The Solution Wasn’t Finishing Fast — It Was Avoiding the Dread
So I told her something I wish someone had told me a long time ago: Stop trying to finish as fast as possible.
That’s not the goal.
The goal is to get through it without making yourself miserable.
We don’t need to hustle our way out of the pain — we need to protect ourselves from it.
So we dropped her plan down to two lessons per day. That was enough to stay on track, but not so much that it felt like punishment.
And what do you know? She finished three days early.
No breakdowns.
No late nights.
No dread spiral.
That’s the power of redefining the win.
The win wasn’t “I finished 14 assignments in 3 days.” The win was “I showed up every day, did what I could, and didn’t make myself suffer to do it.”
That’s what we’re missing. Wins don’t have to be dramatic. They just have to feel doable.
It’s the “Big Picture” That Breaks Us
Here’s where the whole thing really clicked for me.
I was listening to a podcast where a Navy SEAL talked about surviving Hell Week — six days of no sleep, freezing water, constant physical punishment. It’s designed to push you to your limit, and most people drop out.
You’d think it’s all about physical strength, but he said the difference between the people who made it and the people who didn’t was mental strength.
Because the moment your brain starts thinking about the entire week ahead — while you’re already cold and sleep-deprived and wrecked — it breaks you.
Your mind can’t handle the scale of it. It shuts down.
He realized that thinking about the "whole thing" made it impossible. So he tricked his brain into narrowing the focus. He didn’t think about days. He thought about four-hour blocks — because every four hours, they got a 15-minute break and a meal.
That was the new win: surviving four hours.
He’d count it down. “Three more to go.” “Two more.” And when it was over? He would Reset: “Okay, just four more hours ‘til the next one.”
Those hours still sucked. But they were livable. And when the reward came, it felt like a win — because it was.
He wasn’t chasing the finish line. He was chasing doable victories.
And honestly? That’s exactly what we need too.
The Real Lesson: Wins That Work With Your Brain
This whole thing — breaking it down, shrinking the scope, focusing on what’s actually doable — it’s not about getting to the finish line faster.
It’s about getting your brain to cooperate with you long enough to take the next step.
Because motivation doesn’t come from logic. It comes from emotion. And if your brain is swimming in dread, it’s not going to help you. It’s going to sabotage you.
That’s why redefining the win matters so much.
If the only win you’ll accept is “all done,” then you’re teaching your brain to panic every time you’re not close to the end. But if you start giving yourself credit for each small step — each moment you showed up and didn’t spiral — then your brain starts associating effort with reward.
And that changes everything.
Redefining Wins Is How You Start Winning
So yeah — maybe you didn’t finish everything today.
But did you take a step without crushing yourself?
Did you protect your energy instead of burning it to the ground?
Did you keep going without letting the dread win?
Then you won.
Redefining a win doesn’t mean settling. It means surviving with your sanity intact.
And for those of us with ADHD, that’s not just a better way to live — it might be the only way we ever really get things done.
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