Everybody hates losing. But sometimes, especially for those of us with ADHD, it seems like a lifestyle.
When I talk about losing I don't just mean like losing a bet or your favorite team never winning the championship. I'm talking about much more than that. I'm talking about the feeling that most of the things in your life never seem to go the way you want.
Sure every once in a while you catch all the green lights on the way to work, or you manage to get a great seat at your favorite restaurant. But when was the last time you really wanted to do something, ended up putting in real effort, and had it work out just as you planned?
How often do we get to celebrate a significant "win" in life?
This inflection point where results fall short of our effort is where the problem begins... and stays.
Firstly, the feeling that nothing goes your way tends to be a "from the top down" scenario. Meaning that the bigger risks and effort in life are far less common than smaller ones and the importance we put on the outcome carries much more emotional weight. And when they don't work out, that weight sends us into a tailspin seeking out lesser failures to reinforce that you are always a victim of circumstance.
Your inner voice goes: "It figures I didn't get the promotion. I knew I wouldn't."
So you start to inventory all of your recent run in's with bad luck, poor timing, and failed expectations.
"My car broke down, the line at the bank was out the door, they messed my order up at the drive thru."
You might even start getting petty: "I didn't even get ketchup packets for my fries."
"Nothing ever works out for me."
And then, as if that wasn't enough, you start looking for "new" negative things as they occur to reinforce your belief in your loserhood.
- "Can't find a close parking spot...figures."
- "Didn't get the time off I requested from work...knew it!"
- "The batteries just died in the TV remote and I don't have any replacements...unbelievable."
Can you tell I've been here?
Why does this happen to us?
In the midst of all this bad stuff happening, you just want to be right about something so it might as well be that your a loser. Can't miss with that one.
But isn't it strange that it's always so easy to be right about that?
Really if you think about it, in the randomness of how your life plays out why is it so easy to always get the bad stuff right, but so hard to get the good stuff to happen?
...and here is where the answer lies. The universe doesn't distinguish between what is good and bad happening to you. It's just things happening...period.
I know it seems like its all coming from the outside world dealing you bad hand after bad hand, but in reality just as much good is there too. You just don't see it.
It's not hard to be right about everything negative when the only thing you choose to see is "everything negative".
Outcomes aren't meant to provide meaning to your life, you are supposed to provide meaning to your outcomes. The emphasis on what's good or bad is up to you, and the reason why we all get this backwards is because we create expectations.
Expectations
Expectations are parasites that hog all of your focus and attention. They demand from you time and effort to be applied with the promise that once they are met, your greatness will be confirmed.
How can you deny this great deal?
The only thing it requires is that everything in your life works out exactly as you plan...simple.
And in the process of lining up all of these expectations, it becomes the obsession of your day. So you spend it laser focused on achieving them so you can feel good about yourself.
But what about everything you've missed?
Lunch with a good friend, a smile from a pretty stranger, or the best cup of coffee you've ever had isn't even a blip on your radar because the only way you can feel any self-worth is if you see perfect outcomes throughout your day.
Your life is passing by while you "chase" expectations.
Usually the first part of the day is obsessing over what you need to do and then the rest of the day is spent in frustration when things didn't go your way. Meanwhile a million other things happened and you didn't notice while locked away in your expectation prison.
Kinda stupid isn't it? Focusing on the things you "hope" will happen, while Ignoring all of the good things happening right in front of you.
Be honest and take a minute to reflect on how much time you spend thinking about what you are expecting next. Take it a step further and ask yourself how many times to you worry about your expectations not being met.
I'll go first. I used to spend probably 80-90% of my time thinking about what was going to go wrong next. My life was nothing but an assembly line of never ending expectations and wondering when the next shoe was going to drop.
It doesn't matter how big or small they are either.
Don't fall for the trap that some expectations are harmless. In fact, it's the simple things we expect to happen that are the most frustrating when they don't.
For example, is it so much to ask that I can...
- Get to work without being stuck in traffic?
- Have the things I need from the grocery store in stock?
- Have customer service pick up the phone instead of putting me on hold?
- Basically, just get through my day and have everything go smoothly?
There are probably dozens more things that we go through every day that shouldn't be an issue, but here's the reality we don't see:
The chances that everything in your day will work out smoothly are exactly zero.
And on the days where you get a string of simple tasks that become difficult it's really hard to avoid focusing on the negative.
It's not fair, here you are trying to be responsible and stay on top of things, but it doesn't feel like you're being rewarded for it. It actually feels like a punishment.
Things should be simple to accomplish if you are well intentioned and put in honest effort to achieve them.
Look, I agree and wish that this was the right formula for how life should be lived, but you've been living it and you can see it doesn't work. Life isn't meant to be lived where happiness is dependent upon expected outcomes.
So How Do You Stop The Expectations?
Honestly, the suffering you're putting yourself through should be enough for you to just stop doing it to yourself. Especially now that you know what's happening.
That's what I did when I realized what was going on with me. It doesn't take a lot of mental energy to convince yourself to stop putting your hand in a flame once you've been burned enough times.
But if you are having trouble, the best advice I can give you is to begin observing when you are doing it. Try to catch yourself, drop the expectation, and just replace it with curiosity about what's going to unfold. It's better to be neutral about your outcomes until they happen and be happy if they surprise you and just be like "okay, whatever" if they don't. This puts the emotional weight on the positive side and gives indifference to potential negativity.
This is a great first step to improving the way you feel about yourself and your life, but there is another step you can take to rebuild even better.
But there is a deeper hidden truth that exists and I believe its meant to be hard to find on purpose. Because in the pursuit, you learn how to become a much better person than if you just got everything you expect.
Life sends you into the pit so you can find your way out.
All of the bad stuff that's been happening to you has been steering you into this giant pit of self pity and despair on purpose. I know it doesn't make sense, but I think it will all come together when you understand the way out provides the answer you've been looking for.
When I think of what it takes to be a quality human being I think of words like dignity, self respect, purpose, and fulfillment. I would even argue that in the midst of all the failure you believe you've faced, your intention with every action was to get to a point in your life where those words could be applied to you.
You may or may not know it, but this is the true motivation behind setting these expectations and making an honest effort to meet them. We all want to be better versions of ourselves, but it's pretty hard to feel that way when life seems like one failure after another.
If you can't feel good about yourself you will always be doomed to fail.
So maybe the trick is to find a way to start feeling good about who you are first, and stop relying on "outcomes" you can't control to measure your self worth.
How about focusing on outcomes you can control instead.
When we reflect on our lives, most of us only focus on the things that never happened or even what could have been. You probably don't realize that much of your despair comes from looking at your life as a whole and seeing that you aren't where you want to be.
The way you fix this is to start focusing on the little things you can do without failing. Jordan Peterson calls this "cleaning your room". You begin gaining control off your life and your self worth by influencing the things in your immediate vicinity. Here is why it's so powerful.
- It is something you have complete control of the outcome
- doing it is not that hard and makes you feel like you've accomplished something for yourself.
- By creating a clean environment to live in, you tell yourself you are worthy of having better.
- No matter what other misery you experience in your life, you will always have a clean place to come home to.
Even though this is an actual thing you should do and the first step to changing your life, it's also a metaphor for other things you can do to start "winning".
"Cleaning your room", is the expression that should be applied to all the things you "can" do where you control the outcome. And even though they are small things, they should be what you replace your expectations with.
Try doing these to start your day:
- Brush your teeth
- Groom yourself neatly
- Wear nice clean clothes
- Clean your body
- Make yourself smell nice
- Eat something healthy
I know these seem so insignificant, but the important thing to think about here isn't the insignificance of doing these things, but the significance of how you are putting importance on yourself first.
Living in a clean space and confidently presenting yourself to the world makes you feel worthy of the things you want. By doing these things you start your day feeling like you've already accomplished something important. You already feel good about yourself and you don't need to rely on those pesky expectations being met to feel that way.
This is why the military puts such emphasis on new recruits making their beds properly, and wearing their uniforms neatly pressed and shirts tucked in. They give them tasks that can easily be accomplished and at the end of each day they reflect back on all that was done instead of what wasn't.
They understand that in order to get people to stay motivated and get things done, they need to have pride in themselves, their space, and their belongings. This is how you accomplish those qualities I mentioned earlier (dignity, self respect, purpose, and fulfillment).
You can have those today, you don't need to wait for some random occurrence to go your way. When you feel good about yourself, the confidence and pride shows through to others and the universe will respond by finally fulfilling your expectations.
It may not be on your timeline, but it will deliver when you are "ready" and you finally feel like you "deserve" it.
